I Learn Something New Every Day
by Dr. Debi Smith, Executive Director
Last Saturday, we gathered with Christian couples for our pre-Valentine’s Dance Lessons at Newsong Church. As always, there was a lot of laughter as couples tried out their newly developing skills on the dance floor. And there were some really romantic moments, too, as they snuggled together during the final waltz of the day.
And Fred was his wonderful self. Not long after I met him, I realized two qualities in every interaction he has with people. First, he makes others feel good about themselves. He shows a genuine interest in who they are and values his time with each and every person he meets. Second, he makes sure everyone has fun. And he’s really really really good at that. I have laughed more in the past 8 months than I have in the past 8 years! And it’s always good, clean fun. Never at the expense of anyone else.
But there’s more. Although I’ve already become known as an “expert” on the psychology of men and relationships, Fred is teaching me more about both topics every day. It just flows naturally from who he is and from his faith in Jesus Christ. I love that about him.
During the dance lessons, we were demonstrating the “swing” step, and Fred was explaining how it was done. He said, “Guys, you just pay attention to how your sweetie’s body is responding to the music and to you, and then you match her.”
Huh? For years I’ve been telling women that they need to follow their guy – to match him.
So I was more than a little taken aback by his verbal instructions. I looked up at him and spontaneously proclaimed, “You’re matching ME? I thought I was matching YOU!”
He just smiled and gently replied, “We’re matching each other.”
Now I ask you: How sweet is that? What a perfect way to play out Ephesians 5:21 … right in the middle of a dance lesson!
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Bottom line: Ladies, men think differently than we do, and the more I get to know them, the more I realize that it’s a pretty good kind of different. Most men are thoughtful and gentle – much more so than we typically give them credit for. Most look for opportunities to be a hero to the women in their lives, but we often miss it when they do something heroic, and that’s sad. So always be on the lookout for the good that men bring to your life!
Thank you, Lord, for Fred. He’s the absolute best, and he’s my hero.
NOTE: Some who’ve heard about our Victorian Valentine’s Dance may assume that we take the stance that the man is the leader … period. And that the woman should submit … period. That’s not what Scripture says, and as a psychologist I know it doesn’t work well that way in real life. If you’d like to know more, come join us in Irvine this Saturday. But buy your tickets online now because we only have room for two or three more couples. And if you don’t live nearby, you might want to check out Pastor Mike Erre’s sermon, posted on our website.
Dieting
Nearly everyone tries to diet at least once in their life. Some try it once a week. We hear the message so many times that we eventually break. What’s the message? Something that amounts to: “You are what you eat.” Suddenly we face an existential crisis as we worry that we are becoming a Lollipop Kid. The message can even be put in spiritual terms: treat your body like the Temple of God. Yet, the message does not convert into real change.
The problem is not that we need to learn more about how to lose weight. We have all the information that we need. Sure, sometimes we hear conflicting messages: Eggs are cholesterol bombs! Eggs are a great source of protein! But, for the most part, we know when we are eating the wrong things. Unfortunately, all that knowledge translates into very little lifestyle change. Even if we discipline ourselves and do eat a little bit healthier, we often still don’t lose any weight because we continue to eat too much.
Why do we lack discipline in our eating patterns? I think there are two psychological keys to being able to resist the temptation of unhealthy eating: (1) Having a good support system and (2) Shutting off auto-pilot eating. For right now, I want to skip the support system issue, since it is always a good idea to have support in the things you take on. Instead, I want to focus more on the second point – how to turn off the auto-pilot. In my next two blogs, I want to introduce the idea of “mindful” eating at a basic level, and then I will discuss how mindful eating can actually make eating a more satisfying experience.
Her Own Worst Critic
Taking judgment from others can be difficult. Sally’s case was different. Sally was her own “worst critic” and could not escape from her sentence: a lifetime of more judgment and harsh punishment. For a while, she thought she was over it. Things seemed to be going well enough and she hadn’t made any “big mistakes.”
However, those inner voices soon returned upon becoming a mother and trying to balance her new life. Soon she was making mistakes left and right. She was being buried by her own guilt, condemnation, and sorrow.
It is difficult during the midst of life’s trials to remember we have someone to lean on. It is also difficult for self-criticizers to lay down their rights to judge others to the only One who is capable of judging; God. He sent His son to die for our sins, and that means our chains have been broken. He calls us to lay our worries, our inner judgments, and our lives down at the cross.
As a mother, Sally found letting go of her “sins” and letting God be the judge, more difficult than ever. When she came to learn that this was an area she was trying to control for God, she learned that she could let go of the reins and breath in the peace of Someone Else being in control.
Tim Tebow and Living for God
Filed under: Daily Thoughts, Men's Issues, Spiritual Formation
Unless you have been living in a cave, you have probably heard about Tim Tebow, quarterback for the Denver Broncos. He has been a polarizing figure because of his forthcoming and conspicuous admission of his faith in Jesus Christ. Some have complimented his public displays of faith, while others, even Christians, have insulted and demeaned him for the same reason. Although his season has come to an end, I thought it would be fun to share what I think are some of Tim Tebow’s best attributes.
- Tim plays for an Audience of One. He places the approval of God above the approval of others. When criticized for his passing ability, he has remained committed to playing the best that he is capable, rather than becoming either offended or discouraged.
- Tim uses his gifts to bring glory to God. He views his football ability as a gift from God that grants him a platform to share about the love of God. His attitude sets him apart from players who attribute their success only to their hard work or special abilities and allows him to be thankful regardless of his success on the field.
- He is committed to service. Tebow invites a child with special needs or life-threatening illness to every game and makes them feel special and valued.
- Tim invites God into his workspace. Many people leave God at church or home when they head for work, forgetting about faith and “focusing” on their work. Tebow does not separate God from his job as a football player but instead looks for ways that God is present on the football field and where he can serve Him.
Although Tim Tebow can be a controversial figure, I am sure that we can applaud him for these Godly traits and root for him, even if you are not a fan of the Broncos, to have a positive effect on the lives of others.
The Romance of Dance
Filed under: Couples, Events, Marriage, Men's Issues, Sexuality, Women's Issues
by The image of a man and a woman dancing together in three-quarter time is the best metaphor for (and experience of) a romantic relationship as it should be.
More specifically, a couple dance provides much of the information we need in order to understand what makes a romantic relationship work well. The man takes the lead, and the woman follows. He guides and protects her. She influences him, even as she admires him … and makes him look good to anyone who’s watching.
Leadership
I’ve included one of my favorite waltz videos here. There are so many couples on the dance floor it’s hard to imagine how they keep twirling around without crashing into one another. That is, unless you realize that each pair has only one leader.
It’s the man’s job to protect his partner from other couples on the floor, and to guide her steps as they swish and swirl in time to the music. If the woman starts criticizing what he’s doing or pulling him in a different direction, it will be impossible for him to take responsibility for the dance.
As Christian women, most of us have been taught that the man is to be the leader in the family. In reality, women have been running the show for a long time now. Let’s face it. We can make it through life without a man. But can we really live the life we desire?
Yes, we can survive. But in taking charge, we miss the beauty of what God intended our relationships to be. We not only make it impossible for our man to lead, but we deny what every girl’s heart longs for.
Every girl wants three things from the man she loves.
She wants him to protect her, to guide her, and to hold her. And as the leader, he was designed by God to do just that!
1. Protect Me
Men are designed to protect us. It’s a fact of life that men are bigger and stronger than women. And they have this wonderful quality about them: much much much high testosterone levels. Women’s bodies produce testosterone, too, but far far less of it than men do … without giving it a thought.
However, this very fact can make us afraid of them. When we feel intimidated or threatened by a man, we use the only surefire weapon we have: our words. And given that men are sensitive to us, our words usually work to “cut him down to size.” Not a bad thing if he’s the enemy. But if he’s our partner in life, we’ve just made it impossible for him to protect us.
2. Guide Me
Okay, this one may be hard for us to admit. But don’t we really wish someone knew the answers? And don’t we wish it was our man who knew? We love it when he solves a problem for us … and he does, too! His brain was made to solve problems, so you’re actually helping him fulfill his purpose in life when you let him guide. It’s very satisfying to a man when he can win in this way … finding a workable solution that makes life better for others.
However, guys get a bump rap for trying to solve our problems for us. Sometimes we just want them to listen (see #3 below). If that’s what we need, all we have to do is tell him that up front. Most guys are happy to provide whatever will make us happy, but we have to be specific about what we want … because guys don’t think like we do … at all!
3. Hold Me
This one is probably the most important of the three things a woman desires from the man she loves. And it happens while you dance. (Maybe that’s why I love waltzing so much!) Women not only want to be touched, but they want to be held … lovingly, caringly, respectfully. Research shows that being held by someone you love will dramatically reduce anxiety in a matter of minutes! We’ve all seen an anxious toddler benefit from being scooped up and held by a loving parent. As adults, we’re no different. We all need to be held sometimes. And women need it every day!
We’re vulnerable creatures, but we often don’t feel safe enough to admit it. We often get a bump rap by being called “needy” … especially by men. And we hate that. So we’d rather not say how we’re feeling … or ask to be comforted, reassured, held.
And that’s really, really sad. Because a man loves (and receives measurable emotional and psychological benefits) from holding the woman he cares for. If he only knew that’s what you needed … Most of the time, he just thinks he’s screwed something up and that you would like to have him beheaded.
What can you do to assure that your partner will protect you, guide you, and hold you?
First, he needs to know that you are following him, even if he’s not a very seasoned leader. A man can never become a really great leader if no one is willing to follow him. In a word, he needs you to submit to his leadership. Submission really means that you trust and respect him. It does not mean that you follow him blindly and without feedback.
Second, he needs your feedback. Both Scripture and research show that men need to be open to the influence of their wives. Otherwise, they’re doomed to failure. However, your feedback must not be in the form of criticism, attack, blame, or advice. What he desperately needs to know is what he is doing right … what pleases you … what makes you happy. Give him that, and he will pull out all the stops to make you even more pleased and more happy.
Finally, he needs you to help him look good to anyone who’s watching. He’ll stand taller and work harder than you ever thought possible. And he’ll love doing it … for you!
A couple of final thoughts …
Remember that the man you fell in love with is still in there … no matter what you may be going through right now. He longs to be your best friend, your protector, your guide, and your comfort. Let him be those things for you.
And remember to have fun together. That’s what best friends do! Sharing laughter and memories will strengthen your emotional bond and help you make it through the tough times.
Experience the Romance of Ephesians 5
Kindness, Care, and Support
Filed under: Anxiety, Children & Parenting, Christian Counseling, Couples, Depression, Marriage, Women's Issues
I’d like to introduce you to Jace Draper, our Marriage and Family Therapist Intern (IMF68311). I first met Jace when she was an undergraduate student at Biola University. Her kindness and her desire to learn was readily apparent in our beginning counseling class, and Jace soon decided that she was being called to a life of service by being there for others.
A strong Christian woman, Jace spent her first year after graduation working in a group home, and soon realized she wanted a better understanding of how to help people through psychology and how to apply its principles to the problems of everyday life.
So she enrolled in the Marriage and Family Therapy program at Azusa Pacific University, where she learned to translate her kindness and understanding for others into professional care and support for those who are struggling with the difficulties of life. Upon completion of her Master’s degree, she joined the staff of OC Christian Counseling.
If you are looking for someone who can come alongside you and help you get from where you are to where you want to be, schedule an appointment with Jace today or give her a call. I know you will enjoy working with her.
~ Dr. Debi Smith
Licensed Psychologist (PSY21711), Clinical Supervisor
Intimacy in Marriage: On the Frequency of Sex
Filed under: Christian Counseling, Couples, Daily Thoughts, Marriage, Sexuality
One question that rarely gets openly posed in marriage goes something like this: who decides how much a married couple should have sex, the husband or the wife? The question may make you blush but it certainly is an important one. Some believe that sex should rarely be withheld, that sexual relations are an essential part of the marriage relationship. Others may find that sex is an inconvenience that has gradually left the marriage.
Consider the following passage from Scripture:
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. ~1 Corinthians 7:3-6
Now some might think that this passage justifies the person who believes that sex should never be withheld. The challenge is that such a stance often neglects a fundamental principle of the passage, that sex should be a gift to one another to help one another stay close to God. Sex should not be used as a weapon to control or punish the other partner, either by willfully abstaining or by coercing. Instead, intimacy in marriage ought to respect both desire and lack of desire for sex by either partner.
An attitude towards sex that actively resents the other partner for either wanting sex too often or not wanting it enough is not the attitude that Paul is advocating here. Rather, Paul is trying to promote a healthy sexuality that respects our physical and emotional desires as important, alongside our spiritual nature.
I propose a different stance toward sexuality than simply focusing on whether or not sex is being engaged in. This stance demands that we surrender our selfish perspective toward sex and consider our spouse’s needs and limitations. We should treat our partners with care, taking into account their physical and emotional desires regarding sex, believing that their bodies are connected to our own and sharing in their suffering and discomfort towards sex. Sex should always be requested, never demanded. When this level of love and care is shown, sexual intimacy can begin to flourish and thrive.
Intimacy in Marriage: The Role of Sex
Filed under: Couples, Daily Thoughts, Marriage, Sexuality
Some people struggle with a philosophical question: what is the role of sex in marriage? Historically, sex has been seen as simply the means for procreation and building a family. But in a modern context where contraception is used to prevent procreation, we have to ask whether sex serves another function. So the real question is, other than creating babies, does sex accomplish anything else and, if so, are these things good?
To answer the first part of the question, we simply need to pay attention to the experiences of people who have sex. The most obvious experience in sex is pleasure – sex feels good for many people. On this note, it is hard to argue that there would be anything wrong with having sex for pleasure, except in the case where the sexual experience is worshipped and given too much importance. In that extreme situation, people place sexuality before developing a deep relationship with God and pursuing growth in their character. Although we worship God with our bodies, sex does not constitute the full scope of a spiritual experience.
The second experience, sometimes less obvious, is that sex is capable of creating a bond between two people. Sex involves a shared vulnerability between two people that results in feeling connected. Particularly for women, the hormone oxytocin, also called the cuddle hormone, can be released during orgasm leading to this feeling. In the case of a non-committed relationship, a break in this bond can be incredibly painful, as if actually severing a limb, and is a major factor in why God discourages sex outside of marriage. Within a marriage, however, sex can be a protective factor in the relationship that helps two people feel close to one another even when emotionally they may feel occasionally distant.
As I see it, the role of sex in marriage is threefold: to build a family, to bring forth enjoyment, and to form a strong bond. Sex is a magnificent gift from God that we ought to enjoy!
Dr. Debi Smith, Executive Director
Filed under: Christian Counseling, Couples, Free Stuff, Marriage, Men's Issues, Women's Issues
Dr. Debi Smith, California Licensed Psychologist (PSY21711), is Executive Director of OC Christian Counseling. She is passionate about helping Christian couples and single adults figure out better ways to apply biblical principles and the findings of scientific research to their everyday lives. She earned her Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) degree, with a Minor in Applied Theology, from Biola University.
What a Man Needs: Part 3
A couple of years ago, my 3-year-old grandson moved to California (with his parents, of course), and he loved to go for walks around my neighborhood with me. He was always drawn to the flowers and had to stop and smell each one along the way. I told him that we mustn’t pick the flowers because they belonged to my neighbors. So he would always remind me, as he admired their bright colors and imagined fragrance, that “those are your neighbor’s flowers, right?”
However, the same rules didn’t seem apply to the flowers at the bank or park or Carl’s Jr. He’d race over and pick one as soon as he saw them, then present it to me with a gigantic smile on his little face.
“Here! This is for you, Gramma!” he’d announce with great pleasure, fully expecting my reflected joy for the gift he so proudly offered. Of course, I was always delighted. And I refrained from shaming him for picking the flower.
How often have you responded to your guy’s gift with some sort of critique?
He “wasted” money on flowers. You’d rather have such-and-such. Why didn’t he … [you fill in the blank].
When we do that to them very often, it makes them want to give up. To not even try anymore.
Men really don’t change all that much over the years.
They still love to make us smile. When you smile, you brighten his day … and his life!
This is the third thing men need from women: Acceptance and Appreciation
You don’t have to pretend that he’s perfect, or that his gifts are perfect. But when you accept what he brings to your life, you are accepting him. And that’s a good thing.
Note: A woman’s job is to love her man and pray for him. It’s God’s job to make her man grow … according to His plan, not hers.
The best response is very simple: Say “thank you” with a smile on your face. You’ll make his day.
Would you like to know more about the Psychology of Men?
Join me live this Saturday for Frogs & Princes: Understanding the Psychology of Men. If you have specific questions, email me now.
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